For many years writing has been a part of my life. As a matter of fact, I have been journaling ever since I was 12 years old (I won’t tell you how many years that has been or that would just depress me!) so I have essentially been striving to be a “writer” (in the most conventional of ways) much of my life. Even though I have journaled for years, and then subsequently majored in Journalism at Indiana University Bloomington, this one habit doesn’t make me a real writer, of course. Just the way you may plan your child’s birthday party and now consider yourself an event planner who can expertly plan the next Super Bowl – no can do. However, writing has always been a bit of a passion for me and I love to do it – so here I am finally doing something about it. So, let’s get started…..!
Over 5 years ago, I lost one of the most important people in my life. May 20 of 2010, my soul mate, best friend, father to my children, son, brother, uncle, and a friend to many, lost his battle to brain cancer and left our lives spinning uncontrollably toward a deep dark place. I remember Scott’s labored last breaths – those that were competing with the sounds of the damn oxygen machine swooshing in the background. I remember snapping at the nurse to shut it off – she was surprised – as if by some miracle the additional oxygen would breathe life back into Scott’s already fleeting soul. I remember whispering, “don’t be afraid” into his ear over and over again as he kept slipping further away; his weakened heart skipping beats trying to remember it’s lifelong rhythm. I remember wildly and simultaneously thinking about the kids and how I was going to deal with them, their emotions, their questions, their confusion, and their futures.
And then just like that…during all those thoughts, the last seconds of Scott’s life ticked and he just slipped away. My head nuzzled close to his chest listening to his labored heart, all the while trying to keep my mouth to his ear so he could hear me pleading with him not to be afraid, praying to God to take him willingly and safely into his home, and simultaneously asking for his healing….but during all that, his heart beat stopped. It just stopped. Stopped. I’m not sure I will ever hear a more chilling or more devastating sound as that impossibly unnatural silence.
There are details about that night that will stay with me forever; the way my son was brought back home in the middle of an Angel’s game to say goodbye to his father, and all he could do was just stare at him quizzically lying there until he quietly told my friend “Ok, can we go back to the game now?”; or my daughter who, like any 3 year old, crawled expectantly up onto his body and touched his eyes wondering why they were fixed in a far away gaze and not looking at her, only to crawl just as quickly down and return to a sleepover at the neighbor’s house. Amongst all these profound memories that haunt me still, the further I get away from those moments, the more I realize how blessed I was to be there at all for Scott’s passing. God gave me a great gift of allowing me to help usher Scott into the next phase of life –his everlasting life. At that moment I would have given anything to join him, but I know now that my life is here on earth – at least for a while longer, so I can try to keep the kids safe and healthy, as well as fulfill whatever other earthly purpose God has for me.
Which brings me full circle as to why I’m here in this space, this space called: BLOG. Thanks for joining me. Even if you have not lost anyone (which my prayer is that you have been spared that heartache), I hope that we can share some funny happenings, loving expressions toward human kind and just merely impart words of wisdom, humor and healing, as a side dish to a long healthy life. I’m not sure what I will say or what topics I may discuss (sometimes funny, sometimes sad, but most likely sarcastic and perhaps a bit off color) but I do know, that if you stick with me, we may be able to find some common ground, cry a little, laugh a lot and hopefully enjoy life a little bit more.
So what do you say? Let’s get started….!